What is love in my experience?

Today, the love I know is best described as a color: white. White is the sum of all colors included in the visible spectrum. In other words, love is all inclusive.

When I was new to this world, love was all there was, and it was everything that I had ever wanted to receive and experience.

At the age 3 and a half, I discovered how to give love. And at the same time, I also understood just what it felt like to become void of the love I needed. Sometimes, it was the opposite.

Sometimes, we can better understand what love is by understanding the opposite of what love is supposed to be. The opposite of love is not hate. Instead, it’s the complete lack of love. Where love is pure white, opposite is the ultimate darkness; in a single word the opposite of love is indifference. Indifference is the complete lack of love.

[Dictionary Definition: lack of interest, concern, or sympathy. Unimportance.]

[My Definition: Being neither good nor bad. Not existing. Not being.]

I don’t believe there is such a place in the universe that is completely absent of light. Nor, do I believe that there is a place that has not been penetrated by light. Likewise, as with any heart that has been penetrated by love, there cannot be an indifference toward it. One can get to almost ZERO, but you’ll never reach it. A rational function graph represents this relationship – it can get close to the line, but it’ll never cross or touch it.

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When I was 3 and a half, I experienced through limited observation that the world did not love me. My parents did not love me, and I decided that I would NOT love myself.

As a teenager, love for me was blaaaaah… disgusting.

As a young adult, sex was my expression and it was the only way for me to experience, receive, and give love. From there, my addiction to sex was born, my main drive and goal.

As a 36 year old man, I experienced the complete lack of love for myself, my family, my partner, or for my life, and it lead to the deepest depression that I have ever experienced. And still, there was a bright light that I ignorantly ignored. I did not want to acknowledge its existence nor importance; her name is Katarina.

[For me at this point I reached my full independence. I was independent of love, of life, of people around me, of all feelings, and of taste. I could have lived in that state of misery for the rest of my life and I could proudly say that I am independent. But was I satisfied or happy? Truthfully, it was quite the opposite. I was simply one of many who believed the lie that personal growth stems from independence. However, when I reached the peak of personal independence, I was at my lowest.]

With her help, which I didn’t want to accept at first, I could get out of that place. I was lead to the healing of my heart by ayahuasca; and since then, I have been rediscovering & experiencing all colors of love and I feel that love is everywhere. Love isn’t just white – it’s all inclusive and it consists of all colors and feelings. ALL.

[Love is part of the whole spectrum; and once I realized there is only love, I could relax into “negative” parts of our life because today, I know it is all part of the same. In order to experience anything fully, we must experience it all – including the “negatives.” Love is all inclusive and by being all inclusive myself, I am love.]

I let love to flow within me, through me, to the others around me, through them, and to the world.

I let love guide my life, and I use my mind to analyze my love and my loving interactions & experiences.

I can compare similar events to how I experienced them and how I reacted to them when there was no love vs when there is love.

[There are life paths that have a heart and those that have no heart. I choose them with love or light them with my love. Sometimes, I still choose the path without heart, aware of it, to experience if my love can penetrate anything if there is no heart. I know I can always return to the love and to the light which for me is personalized by Katarina and her teaching, she is my light house I see even from the darkest places, returning to her, healing my wounds and going back out there every time stronger to complete my purpose.]

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